i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
