I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
