If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
