From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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