I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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