i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
