she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize