U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
