Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
