conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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