If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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