Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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