I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize