I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
