When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize