Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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