just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My ass is underappreciated
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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