why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
