And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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