Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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