why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
