he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
