from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
