i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
