you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
