Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
