The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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