my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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