...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
