Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
