he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
