Me too!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
