**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
