I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
