Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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