I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
