I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize