She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
