so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
