Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
