made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she looked like the before picture.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Are we still banned from the library?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize