my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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