If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
