I accidentally burped into my bong.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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