Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
