I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
