I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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