i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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