I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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