It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
