Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
