Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
