I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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