dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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