I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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