u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
