Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
