either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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