if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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